Santa came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend Banta, and told him of his adventures.
"I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit.
"The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, and made towards it.
As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."
"Wow! That's some sorry," said Banta. "If I'd been in that situation, I would have shit my pants."
"Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON...???"
"I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit.
"The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, and made towards it.
As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."
"Wow! That's some sorry," said Banta. "If I'd been in that situation, I would have shit my pants."
"Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON...???"
Banta
feared his wife Preeto wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test he could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, Preeto is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Banta was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let"s see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
No response.
Banta moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from Preeto and repeats, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from Preeto and asks, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away, and asks, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
For God's sake, Banta ji, for the FIFTH time, "BIRYANI!"
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test he could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, Preeto is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Banta was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let"s see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
No response.
Banta moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from Preeto and repeats, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from Preeto and asks, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away, and asks, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"
For God's sake, Banta ji, for the FIFTH time, "BIRYANI!"
Santa
had just finished collecting the rents from the tenants in his
apartment block. But when he got home he realized that his wallet was
missing and burst into tears.
"What's the matter?" asked his wife.
"I've lost my wallet containing 25 thousand rupees," he wailed. "I think I put it in my inside coat pocket, but it's not there now."
"Did you look in the pockets of your pants?"
"Yes, but the money isn't there either."
"What about the side pocket of your jacket? Did you look there?"
"Of course not!" he snapped. "Do you want me to lose the last bit of hope I have left?"
"What's the matter?" asked his wife.
"I've lost my wallet containing 25 thousand rupees," he wailed. "I think I put it in my inside coat pocket, but it's not there now."
"Did you look in the pockets of your pants?"
"Yes, but the money isn't there either."
"What about the side pocket of your jacket? Did you look there?"
"Of course not!" he snapped. "Do you want me to lose the last bit of hope I have left?"
Santa
decided to study for the MBA exam. He could understand every thing
except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, one of his
friends came home.
Friend: Santa, how is your MBA preparation?
Santa: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Friend: Logic is very easy.
Santa: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand?
Friend: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?
Santa: YES.
Friend: Logically, there will be water in it.
Santa: YES.
Friend: Logically, there will be fish in it.
Santa: YES.
Friend: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Santa: YES.
Friend: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Santa: YES.
Friend: so, logically, your are married.
Santa: YES.
Friend: So, that means you are a heterosexual.
Santa was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Banta who was also preparing for MBA.
Santa: How is your MBA preparation?
Banta: Everything is fine except for the logic.
Santa: Oh, logic is easy.
Banta: Please, give me an example.
Santa: Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Banta: NO, I don't.
Santa: Oh my God! That means you're gay!
Friend: Santa, how is your MBA preparation?
Santa: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Friend: Logic is very easy.
Santa: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand?
Friend: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?
Santa: YES.
Friend: Logically, there will be water in it.
Santa: YES.
Friend: Logically, there will be fish in it.
Santa: YES.
Friend: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Santa: YES.
Friend: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Santa: YES.
Friend: so, logically, your are married.
Santa: YES.
Friend: So, that means you are a heterosexual.
Santa was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Banta who was also preparing for MBA.
Santa: How is your MBA preparation?
Banta: Everything is fine except for the logic.
Santa: Oh, logic is easy.
Banta: Please, give me an example.
Santa: Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Banta: NO, I don't.
Santa: Oh my God! That means you're gay!
Santa couldn't believe it - he'd made it to the last round of his favourite game show.
"Congratulations, Santa ji," said Big B. "Answer correctly and you go home with five crores!
"This is a two-part question on Punjab history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"
Santa figured he'd play it safe, "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."
Big B nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.
"Okay, Santa ji, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
"Congratulations, Santa ji," said Big B. "Answer correctly and you go home with five crores!
"This is a two-part question on Punjab history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"
Santa figured he'd play it safe, "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."
Big B nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.
"Okay, Santa ji, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
Santa was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it.
At 2 PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.
Again, at 5 PM and 7 PM, they tried, and both times Santa turned down the soup, so they gave up.
In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3 AM, 4 AM, and 6 AM and gave him an enema each time.
When Santa got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, Jeeto, "Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your @ss!
At 2 PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.
Again, at 5 PM and 7 PM, they tried, and both times Santa turned down the soup, so they gave up.
In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3 AM, 4 AM, and 6 AM and gave him an enema each time.
When Santa got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, Jeeto, "Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your @ss!
Banta
has been admiring his neighbor's wife. The neighbor's wife always gives
him this seductive smile whenever they greet each other. Banta didn't
know how to approach the lady to tell her of his desires because she's
married. So, one day the lady herself approached Banta alone in his
apartment.
Banta: Hi.
Lady: Hi.
Banta: Is everything alright?
Lady: Yes. Just need little help from you (Smiling seductively).
Banta: Wow! Anything for the angel.
Lady: I...I...I...just don't know how to say this. I'll be so ashamed of myself if I ask and you say no.
Banta: Oh my lady, you don't have to. I am ready to do anything for you.
Lady: You know, it's been over 3 weeks since my husband travelled.
Banta: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Lady: And even when he's around, he has some... (pause for a while) he has some disabilities.
Banta: Oh poor you. You must have been going through hell!
Lady: I know you'll be stronger than him.
Banta: Sure.
Lady: Can you help me?
Banta: Wow! Now? Sure, I'm ready if you are ready.
Lady: Oh thank goodness! That's why I came to you. Can you help me carry our deep freezer from our kitchen to the next street for repairs?
Banta: Hi.
Lady: Hi.
Banta: Is everything alright?
Lady: Yes. Just need little help from you (Smiling seductively).
Banta: Wow! Anything for the angel.
Lady: I...I...I...just don't know how to say this. I'll be so ashamed of myself if I ask and you say no.
Banta: Oh my lady, you don't have to. I am ready to do anything for you.
Lady: You know, it's been over 3 weeks since my husband travelled.
Banta: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Lady: And even when he's around, he has some... (pause for a while) he has some disabilities.
Banta: Oh poor you. You must have been going through hell!
Lady: I know you'll be stronger than him.
Banta: Sure.
Lady: Can you help me?
Banta: Wow! Now? Sure, I'm ready if you are ready.
Lady: Oh thank goodness! That's why I came to you. Can you help me carry our deep freezer from our kitchen to the next street for repairs?
Santa
was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a
visit to the job center he was offered work at the local Zoo.
When he arrived for his first day, the keeper aware of his reputation told him to take care of the tortoise section.
Later, the keeper dropped by to see how Santa was getting on and found him standing by an empty enclosure.
"Where are the tortoises?" he asked him.
"I can't believe it," said Santa. "I just opened the door and then.....Whooooosh!"
When he arrived for his first day, the keeper aware of his reputation told him to take care of the tortoise section.
Later, the keeper dropped by to see how Santa was getting on and found him standing by an empty enclosure.
"Where are the tortoises?" he asked him.
"I can't believe it," said Santa. "I just opened the door and then.....Whooooosh!"
Santa
sets up Banta to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Banta is a
little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Banta, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry." Santa says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Banta knocks at Shirleys door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Banta's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!"
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Banta, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry." Santa says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Banta knocks at Shirleys door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Banta's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!"
Preeto went to see a psychiatrist about her husband Santa (he wouldn't go with her).
"Doctor, my husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"
"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."
Preeto leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence, "But you see doctor it is also a problem for me! Santa sleeps with his mouth open and his little light keeps me awake!"
"Doctor, my husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"
"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."
Preeto leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence, "But you see doctor it is also a problem for me! Santa sleeps with his mouth open and his little light keeps me awake!"
Banta
tripped on the stairs and broke his leg. The doctor put a cast on it
and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off.
The weeks later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery.
"Oh good," Banta responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?"
"Yes," said the doctor, "if you promise to be careful."
"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"
The weeks later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery.
"Oh good," Banta responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?"
"Yes," said the doctor, "if you promise to be careful."
"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"
A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in.
"Damn," he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me."
"Not to worry," says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill."
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties.
"Why are there two twenties?" she asks.
The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too."
"Damn," he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me."
"Not to worry," says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill."
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties.
"Why are there two twenties?" she asks.
The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too."
Santa went into a drug store and asked the pharmacist if he could give him something for hiccups.
Without warning, the pharmacist suddenly reached out and slapped Santa hard across the face.
"What did you do that for?" asked Santa indignantly.
"Well, you haven't got hiccups any more, have you?"
"I haven't got hiccups - my wife has!" replied Santa!
Without warning, the pharmacist suddenly reached out and slapped Santa hard across the face.
"What did you do that for?" asked Santa indignantly.
"Well, you haven't got hiccups any more, have you?"
"I haven't got hiccups - my wife has!" replied Santa!
Santa hired a new chauffeur.
Jeeto asked the chauffer to take her out for shopping and was very shaken by the experience.
Back home, she pleaded with Santa, "Please dear, you must sack this new chauffeur at once. He is so rash he nearly killed me three times this morning."
"Darling, don't be so hasty," replied Santa, "give him another chance."
Jeeto asked the chauffer to take her out for shopping and was very shaken by the experience.
Back home, she pleaded with Santa, "Please dear, you must sack this new chauffeur at once. He is so rash he nearly killed me three times this morning."
"Darling, don't be so hasty," replied Santa, "give him another chance."
A
doctor prescribed suppositories to Santa suffering from constipation
but a week later he returned to the doctor and complained that the
treatment wasn't working.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" asked the doctor.
"What do you think I've been doing?" snapped Santa. "Shoving them up my ass?"
"Have you been taking them regularly?" asked the doctor.
"What do you think I've been doing?" snapped Santa. "Shoving them up my ass?"
Santa
left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the
weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday
night, his wife, Jeeto, really got on his case and stayed on it.
After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the co
After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the co
rner of his left eye.
Santa was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. Jeeto was really pissed.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 10-15 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning Santa got up early and left for work. When Jeeto woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, Jeeto put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Santa has been missing since Friday.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 10-15 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning Santa got up early and left for work. When Jeeto woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, Jeeto put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Santa has been missing since Friday.
Banta came to meet Santa at his house.
He knocked at the door; and was surprised to see Santa dripping with water open the door while being stark naked.
"Come on Santa, aren't you ashamed? Why don't you wear something?", said Banta.
Santa sheepishly ran into the bathroom and came back wearing his slippers.
He knocked at the door; and was surprised to see Santa dripping with water open the door while being stark naked.
"Come on Santa, aren't you ashamed? Why don't you wear something?", said Banta.
Santa sheepishly ran into the bathroom and came back wearing his slippers.
Santa
shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best
of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I
would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will".
"That is very kind of you", said the doctor emotionally and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change".
"That is very kind of you", said the doctor emotionally and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change".
Santa
and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby.
After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for
his interview.
The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.
The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?
Banta says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet."
The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!"
On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.
The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?
Santa says, "Oh sure."
The boss asks how deep underground he worked.
Santa says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground."
The boss says, "20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, "What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?"
Santa says, "Oh, I didn't need a light, I worked on the day shift!"
The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.
The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?
Banta says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet."
The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!"
On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.
The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?
Santa says, "Oh sure."
The boss asks how deep underground he worked.
Santa says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground."
The boss says, "20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, "What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?"
Santa says, "Oh, I didn't need a light, I worked on the day shift!"
Banta complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night.
"Before it happens, do you see any dreams?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, 'Let's pee.'
"OK," the doctor said. "Next time you see the demon, say, No, we've already peed."
Next time Banta came to the doctor, the latter asked, "So, did you do as I said?"
"Yes, I did."
"Did it help?"
"No, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse."
"How?"
"As I said 'We've already peed,' the demon nodded and said, 'Then, let's shit a little.'"
"Before it happens, do you see any dreams?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, 'Let's pee.'
"OK," the doctor said. "Next time you see the demon, say, No, we've already peed."
Next time Banta came to the doctor, the latter asked, "So, did you do as I said?"
"Yes, I did."
"Did it help?"
"No, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse."
"How?"
"As I said 'We've already peed,' the demon nodded and said, 'Then, let's shit a little.'"
"How does Jeeto like being pregnant?" Santa asked his friend Banta.
"Oh, she's not pregnant," Banta replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Santa pressed.
"Well," Banta explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet..."
"Oh, she's not pregnant," Banta replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Santa pressed.
"Well," Banta explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet..."
Banta owned a great big farm. He had lots of animals like pigs, chickens, horses and cows.
But then one day one of his horses became constipated so he went to the vet and the doctor gave him some big pills and a pipe. The doctor instructed him to put a pill in the pipe, stick the pipe up the horse's ass and blow as hard as he could.
Banta went home and did exactly what the vet told him to do.
An hour later Banta came back to the doctor's place looking very sick. The doctor asked what was wrong.
Then Banta replied, "The horse blew first."
But then one day one of his horses became constipated so he went to the vet and the doctor gave him some big pills and a pipe. The doctor instructed him to put a pill in the pipe, stick the pipe up the horse's ass and blow as hard as he could.
Banta went home and did exactly what the vet told him to do.
An hour later Banta came back to the doctor's place looking very sick. The doctor asked what was wrong.
Then Banta replied, "The horse blew first."
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal, and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong, so he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age; there's nothing I can do about it."
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"
The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"
The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all, my other leg feels just fine."
"So what?` says the doctor, "What difference does that make?"
"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"
The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong, so he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age; there's nothing I can do about it."
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"
The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"
The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all, my other leg feels just fine."
"So what?` says the doctor, "What difference does that make?"
"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"
Banta goes over to visit one of his friends.
While he is at her friend's house it starts to rain very heavily the type that is not going to stop.
His friend tells him to spend the night at his house and go home the next day.
When he hears this, he rushes out the door and comes a while later totally drenched and carrying a small bag.
So his friend asks, "Where did you run off too!"
Bant says, "I went home to get my pyjamas!"
While he is at her friend's house it starts to rain very heavily the type that is not going to stop.
His friend tells him to spend the night at his house and go home the next day.
When he hears this, he rushes out the door and comes a while later totally drenched and carrying a small bag.
So his friend asks, "Where did you run off too!"
Bant says, "I went home to get my pyjamas!"
Santa goes to a proctologist to complain about a rectal disorder.
The doctor examines him, tells him he needs an enema, gives him the necessary medication for the enema, and asks him to come back the following week for a checkup.
Upon returning the next week, Santa complains that the medication did nothing for him.
"Did you use the medication properly?" asks the doctor.
"Of course I did, Doc! Jeez, what do you think, I shoved it up my ass?!"
The doctor examines him, tells him he needs an enema, gives him the necessary medication for the enema, and asks him to come back the following week for a checkup.
Upon returning the next week, Santa complains that the medication did nothing for him.
"Did you use the medication properly?" asks the doctor.
"Of course I did, Doc! Jeez, what do you think, I shoved it up my ass?!"
One night Peeto, doesn't return home.
The next morning when Banta demands to know where she was all night, she claims she stayed at a friends house.
Banta rings around her 10 best friends and they all say Jeeto didn't stay at their place last night.
One night Banta doesn't return home.
The next morning when Jeeto demands to know where he was all night, he claims he stayed at a friends house.
Jeeto rings around his 10 best friends. 8 of them say Banta did stay at their place last night, and the other 2 claim he is still there!
The next morning when Banta demands to know where she was all night, she claims she stayed at a friends house.
Banta rings around her 10 best friends and they all say Jeeto didn't stay at their place last night.
One night Banta doesn't return home.
The next morning when Jeeto demands to know where he was all night, he claims he stayed at a friends house.
Jeeto rings around his 10 best friends. 8 of them say Banta did stay at their place last night, and the other 2 claim he is still there!
Judy called the police.
"My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please, taking a shower with his window shades up!"
The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out her window.
"See what I mean, officer."
The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can only see the top of his head."
Judy, "Fool, just put a chair on that dresser over there and stand on that!"
"My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please, taking a shower with his window shades up!"
The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out her window.
"See what I mean, officer."
The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can only see the top of his head."
Judy, "Fool, just put a chair on that dresser over there and stand on that!"
Santa goes to the podiatrist with a swollen foot.
After a careful examination, the doctor hands him a pill that looks big enough to choke a horse.
"I will be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while, and Santa is losing his patience. He hobbles outside to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat, and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat.
Santa then hobbles back into the examining room. Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water.
"Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."
After a careful examination, the doctor hands him a pill that looks big enough to choke a horse.
"I will be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while, and Santa is losing his patience. He hobbles outside to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat, and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat.
Santa then hobbles back into the examining room. Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water.
"Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."
Cop: How did you kill 50 people in a car crash?
Santa: I suddenly lost control.
Cop: Then what happened?
Santa: I saw 2 people on the right & a wedding party on the left. You tell me which should I have hit?
Cop: The 2 people on the right would have certainly caused less damage.
Santa: Exactly what I thought! I hit the 1st one but then the other one person ran into the wedding so I went after him!
Santa: I suddenly lost control.
Cop: Then what happened?
Santa: I saw 2 people on the right & a wedding party on the left. You tell me which should I have hit?
Cop: The 2 people on the right would have certainly caused less damage.
Santa: Exactly what I thought! I hit the 1st one but then the other one person ran into the wedding so I went after him!
An
astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total
eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when cannibals
capture him. The eclipse is due the next day around noon.
To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a "GOD" and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right.
So, in the few words of the cannibals' primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.
The guard's answered, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal."
"Great," the astronomer replies.
The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a "GOD" and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right.
So, in the few words of the cannibals' primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.
The guard's answered, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal."
"Great," the astronomer replies.
The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
Farmer Banta killed a lamb and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.
He didn’t tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, Santa, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Banta, did you ever find out who stole your lamb?"
"Nope," said Banta. "Not until just now."
He didn’t tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, Santa, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Banta, did you ever find out who stole your lamb?"
"Nope," said Banta. "Not until just now."
Stung
by a bee Santa comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in
pain, "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."
Doctor: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."
Santa: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
Doctor: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
Santa: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree"
Doctor (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."
Santa (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts"
Doctor (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"
Santa (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."
Doctor: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."
Santa: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
Doctor: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
Santa: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree"
Doctor (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."
Santa (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts"
Doctor (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"
Santa (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."
Santa and his wife Jeeto were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
Santa said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff."
Jeeto looked at Santa and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another jerk?"
Santa said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff."
Jeeto looked at Santa and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another jerk?"
Preeto took her husband Banta to see a psychiatrist for a check up.
After examining him, the doctor took Preeto to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone."
"I’m not really surprised," Preeto replied, "He's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 20 years."
After examining him, the doctor took Preeto to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone."
"I’m not really surprised," Preeto replied, "He's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 20 years."
Santa picked up his wife Jeeto and their new baby from the hospital and brought them home.
It was not long before Jeeto suggested that Santa try his hand at changing a diaper.
"I'm busy," he said. "I promise I'll do the next one."
The next time soon came around, so Jeeto asked him again.
Santa looked at Jeeto and said innocently, "I didn't mean the next diaper, I meant the next baby."
It was not long before Jeeto suggested that Santa try his hand at changing a diaper.
"I'm busy," he said. "I promise I'll do the next one."
The next time soon came around, so Jeeto asked him again.
Santa looked at Jeeto and said innocently, "I didn't mean the next diaper, I meant the next baby."
Banta sets up his friend Santa to go on a blind date with a college friend.
Santa is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Santa, "I'll be with her all night."
"Don't worry," Banta says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!" and fake a heart attack."
That night Santa knocks at the girl's door. When she comes out he is awe-struck at how hot and gorgeous she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly grabs her heart, shouts, "Aaaaaauuuuggghh!" and collapses with a heart attack.
Santa is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Santa, "I'll be with her all night."
"Don't worry," Banta says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!" and fake a heart attack."
That night Santa knocks at the girl's door. When she comes out he is awe-struck at how hot and gorgeous she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly grabs her heart, shouts, "Aaaaaauuuuggghh!" and collapses with a heart attack.
A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Saudi Arabia.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Saudis?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So I planned to convey the message through three posters. First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is grinking Coca-Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed. And then these posters were posted all over the place.
"Terrific! That should have worked" said the friend.
"The hell it should have!" said the salesman. "No one told me they read from right to left."
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Saudis?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So I planned to convey the message through three posters. First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is grinking Coca-Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed. And then these posters were posted all over the place.
"Terrific! That should have worked" said the friend.
"The hell it should have!" said the salesman. "No one told me they read from right to left."
A
famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his
funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
Santa
wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's New Year's
Party. Santa is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like
alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Santa
had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
couple of Disprins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a red rose!! Santa sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the Disprins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Sweetheart, breakfast is on the table, I left early to get the shopping to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Preeto."
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is breakfast, steaming hot tea and the newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Santa asks, "Pappu... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
Pappu replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed.... 'Leave me alone, I'm married!! Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
And, next to them, a red rose!! Santa sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the Disprins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Sweetheart, breakfast is on the table, I left early to get the shopping to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Preeto."
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is breakfast, steaming hot tea and the newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Santa asks, "Pappu... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
Pappu replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed.... 'Leave me alone, I'm married!! Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
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